Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Bachelor Pad Snark (because I had to watch it alone)

There are 3 kinds of shows that I watch: shows I admit I watch freely because everyone watches them (i.e.: Community), shows I know not many people watch but I admit to watching them anyways (i.e.: Star Gate Universe, Caprica), and shows I know I shouldn’t admit I watch but I do anyways (i.e.: The Bachelor/ette, Real World/Road Rules Challenge). The Bachelor/ette is a series that, when I lived in LA, a bunch of the RDs used to get together to watch, because it’s more fun when you can snark and OMG and oh no they didn’t! with others. But I no longer live in LA, so until I find a group of Bachelor/ette watchers here, I’m forced to go it alone. Which may not have been that big a deal because I had some time before the next season started up, until ABC decided that they would mate two of my category 3 shows (The Bachelor and Real World/Road Rules Challenge) and come up with… Bachelor Pad.

Which started last night.

When Will was out of town, so I didn’t even have him to make snarky comments to.

So… instead, I will inflict this on you, few and far between readers of my blog.

Thus I present to you, Bachelor Pad: Season 1, Episode 1

It opens with them in front of the mansion, and Chris Harrison is standing there, introducing. Actually, that’s not entirely true – it starts with showing us all the previews they’ve been playing on abc for the past few months. Just in case we didn’t know, though if we didn’t, we probably wouldn’t be tuned in right now. And then Chris does the introductions, and the limos start driving up. I bet Chris has always wanted to be the one receiving the contestants on the original series, so this is his way of getting to do that.

So, on to the Bachelor Pad cast...

Tenley’s up first. She was cute on her season, and I really liked her (though I didn’t want her to end up with Jake, since I didn’t particularly like him.) So I’m glad she’s on the show, and hope she doesn’t end up drama-ing it up. A cute relationship with Kyptin like they’ve alluded to in the trailers would be fine. And her doing air-cheers all by herself? Team Tenley!

Jesse Beck I remember also, since he’s only one season away. He was a cutie, but I don’t remember much else, except that my friend Meredith loved him because of his tattoos.

When Natalie introduced herself, it was obvious they were doing the whole “you have no idea who this person is, so we’ll have them introduce themselves again.” Not that it really helped. However, Tenley obviously knew who Natalie was, based on how much she shrieked. Were they in the same sorority also, or was it just their time together on Jake’s season?

David from Jillian’s season is next, who was a total doucebag if I remember correctly. And as soon as he opens his mouth, I realize that I do remember correctly.

Gwen is another “who the are you again type?” but even moreso. She’s a season 2 person, which was before I watched. David made a mean comment about her age, but then when I go online and try to find it I can’t, so maybe he’s right?

Jessie (girl) is next, and I only remember her because she’s the one who helped the wrestler’s girlfriend contact Ali last season. So this is what, her third season in a row to be on a Bachelor or spinoff?

Weatherman! Behive of knives! There’s something about him during Ali’s season that was almost painfully awkward, but he’s also incredibly entertaining as well, so it works. My friend Jen liked him, until he got all awkward.

Nikki – no idea who she was either, but apparently she’s from Jason’s season. I’m pretty sure they only chose her because she has a history with Juan, which means drama. We know she has a history with him because she talks about how the only person she doesn’t want to see here is Juan.

So, of course, Juan is the next one up. Seriously, this may be better than Real World/Road Rules Challenge! I think she’s shooting a beehive of knives out of her eyes to him. Juan is from Jillian’s season, and all that I remember about him is that he did well around the Globetrotters.

“I want Wes to be here too,” says Natalie, so of course, next up is Wes from Jillian’s season. Chris makes sure he’s actually single, which Wes confirms. And he brought his guitar.

Krisily, who are you? No one in the room knows either, since they’re all “…hi?” and aren’t sure if she’s a PA or a contestant. It’s kind of funny, actually. She’s a contestant. Final two, dumped by Charlie.

Elisabeth, who is now blonde, though I don’t think it’s working for her. She wouldn’t let Jake kiss her, and then kept asking him how much he wanted to. I wonder if she’s going to kiss people this season – my guess is yes.

Jesse Kovacks from Jillian’s season, who Elizabeth is kind of in love with, apparently. Also, another Jesse, which I’m not thrilled about. Hopefully one of them will be gone soon. Also, Elizabeth wants him to buy the cow, and Jesse just wants the milk. So this’ll be good.

Kiptyn! He’s a cutie from Jillian’s season, and right off the bat mentions Tenley (foreshadowing much?) Tenley’s all “I don’t know if he likes me, but I’ll get Natalie to pass him a note during study hall to ask.” (LOVE. HER.)

Peyton, Andy’s season. Ashley, Jake’s season. Quick introductions both of them, also known as “we don’t expect you to remember them, so we’ll do this quickly.”

Michelle, Jake’s season. Elizabeth mentions that Michelle is crazy, for which there is some pot-kettleness going on.

Gia! She’s the swimsuit model from Jake’s season. All the boys are kind of drooling over her, probably partially because she’s taken and these boys want a challenge.

They do this whole bit where the Weatherman REALLY doesn’t want Craig from Ali’s season to show up, and thinks everyone is here and relaxes. And then, guess who comes in but Craig M! Shocking, right? By the way, I’m totally get him confused with David ALL THE TIME because they were both jerkwads on their season which makes them one and the same for me, so apologies in advance.

Chris Harrison gets them all together and explains the rule. You have the chance to find love – a couple of the girls cheer; and the chance to win $250,000 – everyone cheers, and Wes’ eyes turn into dollar signs. He also introduces the co-host – Melissa Rycroft. When you consider the fact that she was once one of them, but now she’s a co-host, it’s pretty impressive. I suppose it’s fair for getting brutally dumped on national tv. Because even though that happens every season, hers was worse than most. THEY WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED, Y’ALL.

Chris and Melissa explain the show: basically the way it works is that there’s a competition every week, and the winner gets a rose and is immune at that week’s ceremony. Then the winner gets to chose 3 people of the opposite sex to go on a date with, and they give an immunity rose to the one of those 3 they like the most. Then at the rose ceremony, the boys vote off a girl, and the girls vote off a boy. Weatherman says something funny about how if he hooks up with multiple girls, it might affect his chances for the next round. Oh, hun, I really don’t think you have to worry about that.

Mansion exploring ensues, and they discover that there’s only one bedroom! It’s not nearly as entertaining as when they’re finding rooms in Real World and claiming the best room and drama and whatnot. Everyone fling themselves on beds to claim where they’re staying (with the requisite “who wants to be on top,” jokes about the bunk beds). Natalie tells us she’s not wearing underwear, but we had already kind of figured out by the blur-out black box over her privates. It only took *checks clock* 28 minutes!

First competition time! It’s twister, and all the girls want Craig to lose so that they can vote him out. Elizabeth heckles him because he was mean to the Weatherman and also because he pulled her pigtails on the playground. Aaaand… it comes down to Jessie and Craig, and Craig wins! The Weatherman decides that this means there’s no God, all the girls are grumpy, and I am too. Elizabeth decides that she’ll refuse the date if he offers it to her because she’s sure she’s safe at the first ceremony, which seems like a pretty stupid thing to say because then everyone will want to prove you wrong even if they like you. Also, because she’ll end up eating her words.

Which happens, because he asks her on the date, and she says yes. Michelle calls her out on it, saying that you can’t talk smack about someone behind their back and then be nice to their face, to which Krisily response “It’s a game!” Only took *checks clock* 49 minutes!

Nightcam. Shadows and movement. Kissy noises. Commercial break!

The next morning, they’re trying to figure out who was doing the hooking up, and the rumor is that Tenley saw Craig M. and Michelle. I guess she took the “It’s a game” statement to heart. They try to figure out if they had sex, and aren’t particularly subtle about it, so Michelle overhears them and swears that it wasn’t her. No one believes her, and she doesn’t like that!

The date card comes, and Craig chooses Jessie, since she was the last girl standing, Gwen, because he doesn’t’ know her well, and Elizabeth as per the conversation yesterday. Elizabeth is all “Jesse K knows that I’m not interested in Craig and is okay with me going on a date with him,” to which I roll my eyes because Jesse K is okay with Elizabeth going on the date because HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO HER.

Beach. Bikinis. Frolicking. Craig repeating “I’m the bachelor!”

Jessie and Elizabeth talk about whether they’d make out with him for the rose – Jessie’s a nay, and Elizabeth’s a yay. Elizabeth and Craig talk, and she gets all flirty and he seriously considers kissing her, but doesn’t. Jessie and Craig talk, and and Craig tells Jessie that he can keep people from voting her out.

Back at the house, Jesse K. reminds us that HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO HER (Elizabeth) and tells the guys that lying and deceiving is his middle name. Maybe not something to admit to people who are supposed to help you? Krisily reminds us that it’s a game. Jesse B and Natalie talk about feelings by a fire while drinking wine. Natalie decides that she now wants to win the money AND the guy, and they make out by the fire.

Gia and Juan are watching them nearby (creepsters!) and have both said that they’ll vote couples out to break up alliances, and vote out friends to win the money.

Next stop for the date is the Greek theater, and Craig has to send two of them home RIGHT NOW, and give the rose to only one. Elizabeth is all “why wouldn’t he pick me? I’m the one he needs to win over the most!” But Craig didn’t get the memo and he chooses Jessie. The other two go home and Jessie and Craig get a private concert by The Calling. I’ve always thought those concerts were awkward - I what if you don’t like this surprise band? You have to fake it, because they’re RIGHT THERE and they can tell if you’re not enjoying it.

Now that Elizabeth’s back at the pad, Jesse K is having an awkward conversation where he’s telling her that he’s just not that into her, and she’s not getting it, and keeps asking why he wants them to pretend like they don’t like each other. Eventually she just emotionally blackmails him and tells him that if he doesn’t tell people he likes her, she’ll get the girls to vote him off. Which is a great way to hook a guy.

And now we’re back on the ‘did Michelle make out with Craig thing’, and she decides she’s going to confront Tenley. There’s a brief shot of Tenley brushing her teeth which grosses me out and WHY DO THEY INSIST ON SHOWING PEOPLE BRUSHING THEIR TEETH. Michelle follows Tenley in the bathroom and confronts her, and Tenley talking heads that she’s really scared of Michelle. Someone whispers “Michelle locked Tenley in the bathroom and made her cry,” which makes me laugh even though it shouldn’t. Tenley is crying to Elizabeth about how she’s scared of her, to which Elizabeth responds “don’t worry, no one’s going to vote you off.” But the thing is, I’m really getting more of a “I’m afraid Michelle is going to hack me in a million pieces and hide me in the freezer” vibe from this cry than a “I’m afraid Michelle is going to get them to vote me off,” vibe. Either way, it’s awkward.

Jessie talking heads that there’s drama goes over what we’ve spent the past hour and a half watching. The one that we haven’t spent much time on yet was the Juan/Nikki thing, so they do now and he apologizes, though you can totally tell even though it’s only because he doesn’t want to get voted out. As a sidenote, Nikki really looks like Sandra Bullock at times.

Girls are talking again, and Krisily suggests they should get the guys out that are on top of the game – keep the Weatherman around, and vote out the athletic and strategic ones. Natalie overhears this and tells David, since they’re BFFs. Natalie and David are trying to decide if they would rather have Krisily or Michelle out this round.

Elizabeth emotionally blackmails Jesse again, and tells him he needs to tell people that he really likes her and wants her over the money and tell people he’s in love with her. She is so crazypants, and he basically has to go along with it in order to have any chance of winning. It’s kind of amazing.

Chris Harrison comes to the group and says that it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. They go into the room and all the pictures are there. To vote someone out, you take their picture and put it in a box. The last minute finagling during the ceremony has Jesse on edge because of the Elizabeth drama, Juan on edge because of the Nikki drama, Krisily on edge because she’s drama and the boys are trying to vote out drama, and Michelle on edge because she knows she’s crazy. Juan talking heads that he’s not nervous because Nikki still likes him, and comes off as a total jerk while doing so. Craig votes for Michelle, but when she asks, tells her he didn’t. He also talking heads that she’s his “bunk buddy,” but I maintain that he could totally be lying.

And now… the Rose Ceremony. If you’re safe, you get a rose, if not, you’re going home. Gia’s safe. Jesse B’s safe. Doomsday piano plays. Payton. Kyptin. Tenley. Nikki. Ashley. Weatherman looks smug. David. Natalie. Wes. Gwen. I’m enjoying how dressed up the girls are are, while the guys? Notsomuch. Elizabeth. Weatherman. Reminder that there’s 4 left, but 2 roses. Krisily. Kovak. Which leaves Michelle and Juan without roses, and those two are left to say their goodbyes. Juan talking heads that he’s confused as to why Nikki didn’t say goodbye, which makes me think that he might be a little crazypants as well. Tenley talking heads that she’s glad that Michelle is gone, and Michelle cries in the back of a limo.

Next time: scheming, crying, trusting, not trusting, making out in hot tubs, mascara running. It’s going to be awesome!

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